Christmas is over and the year has passed so quickly. I accomplished none of my 2009 resolutions. All failed pathetically, everything!!!....except for something....

Just 1 year and so much has changed....relationships between people have changed, things are no longer the same any longer!!! and I have changed for fuck because I keep using fuck! thanks to the events of april and onwards...

why do I have to fucking place my hands on my eyebrows when i see undeserving people, people who can't even lead, care, inspire.....people who listen to orders blindly without using some grey matter?!??! people who show shagged faces before I do so!!!!

why have I learnt to walk this year? no more sparks in the back of my mind to make anyone, to make myself laugh till the tummy hurts.

but i thank you god this christmas for keeping my family safe another year for the 19th time, and for whatever talents you have given me to fight this misery...

thank you papa mummy and koko for always hearing me talk about army even though it's hard to understand what goes on....and all my friends for talking cock...pda...., ....sji, ...church...etc etc

I wonder if everything is worth it....
can pride be eaten? or should it be the least of my worries....

I have been so eager to start my pokemon adventure this weekend. However, upon returning home from camp, this white cloud on my gameboy colour lcd screen plunged my entire soul into depression. As i tried desperately to figure the root of the problem, fear engulfed me as thoughts of being deprived of the chance to be a pokemon master raced through my mind. Finally, I decided to dismantle the gameboy in hope that the white cloud could be wiped away from the inside. What appalled me was that the screws were unconventional ones with 3 corners instead of the usual 4. After utilizing every instrument in the tool box, I was forced to give up, it just could'nt be removed. I desired to get it fixed at some repair shop or game console shop, but this idea was relinquished because no one would bother fixing an old gameboy colour for me and it will be a waste of money to invest in items to repair the gameboy on my own. I guess that I have to suffer in silence like what I always do. After coming back from church, I tried everything in my stupid mind to get the screws out but it didn't buldge. I closed my eyes but the deep longing in my heart prevented me from falling asleep though I was totally exhausted from the 24km route march at east coast park from 7pm to 5am in the morning. Having just woken up for lunch, I still feel so shagged out. I didn't get a dream at all!!! WHY?!?! Why didn't I get a dream when I could afford an uninterrupted one during the weekends

9 weeks have passed BMT was fun and enjoyable, but an incident(cannot be posted) that occured proved to be a difficult test for my mental tresholds.

I guess being a Rec Chan is plain unlucky. Lung infection, bleeding lips, stunned .....,..,,...,...

While serving ns, guys have nothing to talk about other than army life, and girls will just go "huh?!". Gone are the days where I could put my brain to better use...

I miss school days even though there are exams and all that study stress. Thank god I am offered NUS law. I was pessimistic about getting in given how my grades paled in comparison with many others, and how screwed up my interview and written test were.

Ironically Im quite lucky to be able to wriggle out of these situations somehow....

the slack life ends here and a new phase begins as I make my way to bmt school 2

Sow ended a week ago. It is difficult to live a Christ-centred life outside of SOW, having to deal with the countless moral dilemmas and alluring temptations present in our secular lifestyle.
Sow was a wonderful experience. There were simply too many things that happened for me to pen it all down here. Somehow, I feel that I am a very fortunate person who hasn't been appreciative of the wonders that God has done for me and the talents that I possess.

Received my A level results a week ago. It was acceptable, but not particularly outstanding. Well, I need to be contented with what I have even though 51% of the nj cohort did better than me haha. After discussing with my family the past week, and doing some soul-searching, I have given up the ambition to become a doctor. I guess that medicine just isn't the appopriate vocation for me.

I have a dream that is blurred, and I am pulling my way through the cobwebs...

Im worried that someone will give up under the pressure of being crushed by a huge rock...

Im dreading the day when this menacing rock tumbles towards my path...

1st week of sow is over

Sow has been quite a good experience and I have started to feel the changes within me, though I may still be headstrong about lots of issues.
Hmm, there was a particular session about the stones that covered our hearts which in turn prevented ourselves from being open to others and to God...
Somehow, most of my stones were from a certain category. At that point in time I was so adamant about my individual beliefs that I refused to be prayed over. I just realised that it was a testimony to those stones...that I indeed had my heart covered with them.

Slowly, things are starting to unfold little by little.

The week was kinda fun too. There are 18 participants altogether, and half the number of adult facilitators from the mission team together with different frs who celebrate mass everyday. Some are pretty funny people, some are pretty energetic, some are pretty cool, but all are pretty nice. Every night bert and I would talk cock at the sofas and get chased back to our dorm for bed where he would be sleeping on top of me ehehe....as in double decker bed. Then, we would wake up late for breakfast, and oh gosh I can't stay awake during the 1hour personal prayer time...

Ok, back to camp in 2 hours

I have been wondering whether signing up for School of Witness(SOW) has been a right choice for me. The entire programme may be life changing, enriching, and character moulding....but do I actually want to change myself? Do i want to?!?!?!

Evangelisation and proclamation has never been something I yearned to do. never ever before. That's probably because I believe that GOd manifests Himself in many forms...the buddha...ala...Jesus, etc, and no single religion pales in comparison with the rest. Basically, a common message apparent in all religions: "Do Good"
In my opinion, evangelisation and proclamation are akin to advertising religion. This draws a close relation to how goods compete with one another in the free market economy. The thought of religion being a product for marketing somehow puts me on my toes.

Hopefully Sow might inspire me to be a witness of christ...just that the programmes really have to be powerful and inspirational to give my strong-minded personality a big nudge. I want god to guide me in my life.....but then again do I really desire to be a holy holy person after that 5 weeks?

A kevin who can't talk cock after that 5 weeks....well...Im just in love with my "talk crapability" no matter how much impure content i can produce

I feel like the prophet jonah who wasn't whole hearted in giving himself .....

On another note...I feel so useless..and hopeless. An utter failure. A shadow of my former self. Im so frightened of trying anymore, because undoubtedly i will still fail.....i give up...

With that pessimism, life could only get better, until then....

I will attempt the test...give in not to the rest...and try my best
Im smarter than i look but im more useless than i seem to be

Went back to nj and sji today. Heard that the school is pretty quiet now that the pda has graduated, causing the noise level to drop by probably 180%? It required merely nic goh and i to simply greet V Cheng louder than the rest of the entire school. Met up with the rest of the sji-sjab gang afterwards. Lunch at Carls Jr was hilarious! totally!

Last week's s23 outing was quite sad. The pda's full strength was 5, first time there were more girls than guys. We were also emoemo. But well, this week the National Slavery dudes are returning to the free world!!! Haiz, but i wont be able to make it tomorrow

Today was fun.
4 hours of badminton with sji-sjab taurus and Clarence. CJC is like some badminton school lah...all my cj squadmates can literally flick my balls like nuts. Luckily they weren't as god-like as the mighty xavier chua who owns me 21-2. Badminton can never be fun without all that loud laughing and effing around.

Wanted to go swim, but bert soluble in water, bearbear and james no attire...so nicgoh and clarence swam on their own while we just went to bathe and talk cock.

btw, for matthias who thinks our productions suck...njpda videos rawks! even jing han suscribe!

dota today was the best game i ever had....we were all equally matched and it lasted for 67 min with all that good teamplay and stress. It was seriously neck-to-neck since there was no imba guru damien liew to score 32 kills and rape our asses. Then we played call of duty where my comp was so full of shit, so many of god's angels coming out with all that white stuff and ruining my game...of course lah...bearbear found it fun shooting our balls.

Hey and thanks guys for attending Fuel session with me, though bert and clarence pangsehed. Hope you guys can come more often...hmm, initially thought that our sharing would turn out into our usual talk-cock session...but really...thanks for going deep...especially bear and dardar. and guitar playing was really screwed up on my part today...for not even knowing the song...not audrey's fault haha.

Stay united sji taurus 06

It is a new year
Some things happen overnight...while others seem to be overnight though they happen over 18 years.
12 years of formal education has whizzed past.
From the lil boy who cried on his first day of school in primary 1...to another lil boy who is typing this blog entry

(the boy who didnt look at the camera)

Lower primary at Ai tong was a quiet time where I kept to myself...frightened of every single soul. Didn't even dare to talk to strangers while waiting at the sidegate for mummy to pick me after school. The whole world was just me..and myself. My childhood viewpoint of the world was a dangerous place where everybody was waiting to kill me.

Upper primary was a time of peer pressure...Tamiya cars...wrestling cards, pokemon, digimon, playstation and all that stuff where kids play at school. I became more naughty and playful. My mom had to bear with complaints whenever she came to pick me up. There was a point of time when the class was "guys vs girls", we would tease the girls, and obviously the girls would complain to those damn p-school teachers who were ALWAYS siding with the girls.

(2nd row, 1st from right)

SJI is a family tradition, so I was (am) proud to be enrolled into the school. Secondary 1 was a year of learning, all the guys stuff that you can never find in your textbooks or from your parents. The SJI community was warm and family-like, the teachers and seniors were just different from Ai Tong. My class had lots of Nanyang primary school boys then..like godwin, mattheus, yan xun...and aitong schoolmates like jov and arthur too. It was the explosion age where ouch! we all became sort of allergic to girls, can hardly talk to them, let alone play hide and seek anymore.

Secondary 2 was the time where there was the "syndicate" as printed on the 204 t-shirt which i still keep. We wrestled in class, sometimes friendly, sometimes fought with hostility. Throwing chairs, walls of jerichos, spears, punches. We would tekan those who stood in our way, and make fun of those who suck-up to teachers. In a way...yup, I was kinda like a bully. Attaining high placing in my cohort also proved a point that you don't have to be a goody gay boy to produce excellent results.

Secondary 3 was sjab time, even stopped being active in legion of mary to commit more to sjab. Improving my skills proficiency, training my fitness level, grooming my leadership capabilities, and building more unity among my squadmates. There were lots of politics, propaganda, alliance formation, breaking of friendships, but it all redounded to invaluable experience as a Josephian. My results were experiencing a "depreciation" then.

Secondary 4 was time as a senior member of the student community. The passion and service of love towards the mission. The imparting of knowledge, skills, and mentoring so that newer and better leaders can be developed from my juniors. It was the year I really felt the camaderie with different groups of friends. But it had to end in the O levels where I picked my books up and braced myself for the battle which was eventually won

(1st row, 3rd from right)

(1st row, 4th from left)


confirmation class (back row, 3rd from left)

It was perhaps the end of Sec4 that I got more involved in church youth activities even though confirmation was in Sec3. In the sec3 days, the sji peeps would just click together and other than the altar servers, I hardly knew anyone in church. It merely started with the email from aunty liz asking for facils for the confirmation camp...which led on to more activities and committments...suddenly being a part of the fuel council and so on. And Ive seen how FUEL has changed and grown for the past 3 years...pretty amazing...from the "once in a blue moon" gatherings for con3 05 ....to the weekly friday sessions for post-confirmants.

Life in nj...Ive blogged pretty much about it.

It was something that I had not expected it to be. Initially thought of a dull environment where everyone just muggs, and if I acted or behaved the way I did in sji, people would look at me as if I just broke out of asylum. Well, people did look at me that way..but it never did matter since we were the infamous njpda.

Outdoor activities club was a whole new experience, being totally different from sji-sjab. But there were many lessons to be learnt and fun times enjoyed too.

Overall, the njc life was....to put it in a single word...WONDERFUL

but the school still does suck though...

Adventure trail challenge (the race where we walked and talked)

Backwoods Man camp (where mervyn and i talked during silent night and cheated to set a fire)


Needless to say...the pda and our harem..the s23 girls I mean

graduation night with s23 (the night of rojak emotions)

Was feeling pissed, agitated, upset the entire day.
Gave it a careful thought during dinner.
Took a walk in the park all alone
After which, I stopped by the pavillion to write my letter.
I guess that this was the best way
My 3rd letter to mommy and daddy.
First was confirmation camp
Second was graduation(sji)

Came home at almost 12
followed by long talk with mommy and daddy
Parents really do know their children at the back of their hands no matter how old the child has grown
Am delighted and thank god for my parents
Im no longer upset now
Hope to have good foresight and strong vision like daddy and marry a capable and virtuous wife like mummy

Then again, I shudder when I think about the future which somehow seems like the night sky which is so open to possibilities, where silver linings can be found, where traps are hidden, where my adversaries are unknown.
Will I be successful in bringing up a closely-knitted family
Will I have enough power to give my family a comfortable life
Will I even find She who is worthy of my love

perhaps..who knows...I might just get killed by a stray bullet during national service.
Life isn't meaningless, but Life is so unpredictable...

It is one day to the New year. Much has happened in 2008.

The FUEL camp went deep down and brought out much from me to re-ponder about my life issues again. Was tired throughout the camp and kept sleeping. Really thank the people who planned it. The bonding day yesterday was also great. Got to know some people better and the night talk cock session was YAY! Hope that we have more of such stuff in the future.

Class gathering was so enjoyable. Felt really emo writing letters to the girls the night before. Finished at about 3am...but because I was still very "thought-full", only slept at about 4...only to realise that I had 3 more to go in the morn. Being with the PDA as usual was fun, and of course wet! Lynette was the host and she was concerned about us getting sick, so nice of her to bring out towels and errhem....disposable underwears....

christmas feels so empty
so pathetic
so drained of joy

as i grow older, christmas gets less and less fun

I lost 50 bucks today!!!
wow!!
I feel so ecstatic about christmas
wow....
wow....
donated to someone probably

and i still have to keep smiling for everyone
though it isn't gonna last past midnight

Making a new step
could mean a hard slap
might get a gentle pat
that i do not know
and i have to go slow

Perhaps a century or less
that's how long my life gets
how can i afford to go slow

falling from the sky
the one who made the angels cry
oh my
He's not gonna be mine

the sleigh arrives
i make a dive
i search frantically
but it isn't there
i wonder where

People talking without listening
listening without thinking
i can stop crying
only when the soul frying stops

You gave me a smile
which went miles into my heart
which shattered my smile
which glued my lips
and i just didn't know what to do
cause I knew
I will never be with you

Returned from Japan yesterday.
The temperature was alright, manageable by my "armour" except on the second day when it was raining in Kyoto.
The quality food was something that I really enjoyed during my trip. The dinner in the hotel room on Tuesday really rocked! Like my dad, I was rather disppointed in the scenery since the castles, temples, blah, blah(cause there was nothing else) were just items in the potrait of a massive concrete jungle in the city of osaka. The chilly rain on the second day totally spoilt our visit to the most scenic place(countryside of Kyoto).
I am marvelled at the politeness of the Japanese and their excellent standard of service that is rare in a country like Singapore. There was even an occasion where a Japanese schoolgirl walked us to our designated platform at the train station and we were never rejected when asking for directions though the Japanese had trouble understanding english.

There was this night that I couldn't sleep after watching CNN news about the cholera epidemic in Africa and the terror attack in Mumbai. On my side of the universe, hotel slippers are thrown away every day in a 5 star hotel that is equipped with automatic taps and toilet bowl "gameboys", with people whose tummies are full of tender sashimi, succulent beef, heavenly snow crab...and people who enjoy their own hentais freely as their guns are wrapped with a finely manufactured rubber "silencer"...On the other god-forsaken side of the globe, natural slippers are found on the soles of many who trudge on the rough dirt, people stick their tongues out to receive the meagre amounts of clean water from the automatic sky taps since one of the other alternatives is the yellowish one well kept in their bladders, tummies are full of growls and perhaps roars on empty nights, and those who use their guns will live to find a forest of cauliflowers in their barrels.

Millions weep at the oxymoronic term "religious war" uttered by Osama and his vast network of warped-minded buddies who continue to insult the muslim world via their immature actions. Equality is and had always been a mission impossible in the various meritocratic societies that we thrive in. This has been a main goal of such extremist groups. Yet, have they ever pondered how would the September 11 attacks in the heart of the States, the London bombings, Mumbai massacre ever aid in achieving this goal other than sparking a wave of desolation, animosity, and of course... vengeance? These fools continue to destroy their chances of attracting foreign investments without an assurance of a stable social climate. Tourism industry in Iraq has also been virtually obliterated since the sep11 bombings. I find it difficult to see any rationale in striking fear and attempts to cripple the economies of strong nations since it would clearly not place them in a better position for international wealth distribution and the drive towards equity.

A child wails...and he demands for a packet of sweets placed by his parents on a high shelf out of his reach. He cries, he swears, he jumps, he shouts, and he gets 1 sweet. The child tries a second time. He cries, he swears, he jumps, he shouts, his parents do not give in. The child picks up a kitchen knife and stabs them both...
Has he lost something greater?...
Do you think he will ever get another sweet?...
and his diapers read:"religious war"

so much has to be done...

On a random note, went out with S23 to East coast for cycling today. Ass hurts still.

I guess what kaizhong and the PDA said was kinda true...I realised that it's about me, though not entirely just me....

They played pool after lunch. Being not very interested, I resorted to reading at books galore and scouting for guitar accessories where I met Marcus Wong and the 433 sji peeps. Yi Hui is super pro at pool. And lynette reminds me of myself when i just started learning how to play....the weird bridges and the awkward stick shots. very cute.

Had a fufilling game of dota with Artons and zac on my team. First time using PL against non-AI players and it went very well with double butterflies, together with Sny against the other team. Almost thought that we would have lost given zac's multiple deaths. I shouldn't have played lan. The bus was slow, the mrt was slow and I was late for fuel. But still, it is my own irresponsibility to put the blame on. Delighted to see many. And anthony was really crazy, seriously crazy....but that's being himself....and as if im not....

that's it for now... I need to sleep

Grad night was wonderful.

Everyone looked so different. Maybe not...the guys looked more or less the same, only difference was the hair. The girls were...hmm, looked totally like strangers. The njc uniform had suppressed the pheonixes in every one of them. I was like..omg! do I even know these people?!?!
The pda dressed normally, the usual formal attire, but we brought swords and shields like a bunch of fools and everyone was like looking at us in bewilderment at the beginning. Yeah, We were the grad knights!!! Forgot to bring my big sunglasses, it was like flash here , then...flash there every second or two. Very bad for eyesight! Didnt take photos with some people though...hope that there will be a chance next time...

I wanna thank the class girls for the letters, and the class t-shirt too. They were really creative and nice. Luv ya lots:
JamieAmySuyiLynetteWanchingWendyYihuiVanessaMarissaShalom
Kinda regret not mixing much with you girls in these 2 years. But yup! the S23 flame will always burn in our hearts. woah! since when was I the "love detector"?!

So we had a hotel room to squeeze in. We walked at esplanade, clarke quay till about 4 before going back to the hotel to "sleep". Even though the rest could sleep, I couldnt. I just stared into the black sky at the balcony, gazing at the city lights, and wondering if the people(my classmates) in the room behind me would ever get a chance to be with one another again...
And im sorry for emoing during the post-prom stuff having been hyper during the dinner. Lots of stuff on my mind these couple of dayz. Hope to...but cant stay smiling and making noise 24 hours haaha. Maybe only kaizhong can...

Not in the mood to post the prom photos here or on facebook given my sluggish comp. And my mailbox is flooded with "*** has tagged you in a photo!".
I hate nj but i love the njcians!...my friends at least.
Enjoyed the two years in nj despite the dreadful academic performance(will know in 3months time of the final result) and the fall in self-esteem(recovered but might be falling again). So many people that I will be missing....
wont be talking about these great friends i made in nj here as it would be too long and i dun wanna miss anyone out. Who ever said that muggers cant be friends??!!!!

Appreciated the PDA core members for cheering me up whenever I was emotified during these 2 years and the support that we gave one another. The things that the 8 of us had in common, our lunch sharing(talk-cock) sessions, the brotherly guys-school spirit that we shared, and the way we had turned the school upside down.....I will never forget them. And for the non-pda classmates...thanks for enduring our ever-so-frequent disruption of lessons, and wreaking havoc with us at other times too.

Im sure gonna keep my grad knight sword and shield

Sorry bert, joel, horse...erm and i dont know who else for being a wet blanket today at the last minute despite promising you guys yesterday. Haha, not in the mood xia, sure get owned at dota.

While packing my stuff today, I found my Secondary 1 english journal.

This is one of the entries(hilariously immature):



Kevin:

I feel that nobody likes homework as homework is stupid. Everyone would try to avoid it if possible. I also agree that all teachers are sadists, they want to pump us with homework until we cannot take the load and collapse. Teachers give us a lot of homework so that we would do well and people will later think of them as very good teachers. They want nothing but fame. It is however good to do some homework to practise what we have learnt, but doing too much will send us to our graves earlier. Teachers give us a lot of homework knowing that we would not be able to complete them the next day so that they can scold and punish us. Scolding and punishing us would make them feel very powerful. They are indeed abusing their authorities! I hate teachers who give lots of homework!

Ms Wong Wah lee's comments:

What fame? Is there fame involved here?
Have you ever wondered why you could not finish your homework? Did you make full use of your time? Teachers who give a lot of homework will also have to mark A LOT! I totally disagree with what you have written!


Have been going out the past few dayz.

Monday:
Pangsehed NJpda and played badminton, swim, pool with Jing Han, dardar, clarence, and nicgoh(pda pres). Went to church for FUEL meeting. Returned to school for illegal stayover with the rest of pda. Seriously damn fun! Details cannot be posted here

Tuesday:
Secretly Emo day (in my dreams)

Wednesday:
Swimming at Jurong East with pda. Talk cock buy stuff and arcade. And haiz...we failed to take picture with the pretty girl. haha no balls...no balls...I never had such gigantic ones. Anyway, she would probably be intimidated by a bunch of loud and noisy guys, thinking that we r gonna rape, kill, and dump her into the sea or something like that...

And my sun burn really hurts.

As are over!
and so I am bored, having seriously nothing to do before I find a job before going to tekong jail on the 11th of April.
Tuesday we had badminton session at Bishan immediately after our paper, after which we split up and lanned again. There was no CS, had to play dota for like 2hours?!?! Head pain.
Yesterday was Sentosa outing as usual. But the weather was really bad. Put sunblock even though there was like...no sun. The rain was ..start stop start stop start stop, super irritating, together with the obscene flashes of lightning. The sand was as good as stepping on lumpy. I think it's probably the worse sentosa outing we had so far. There was this point of time when the guys stopped playing soccer because of the rain and everyone at the beach rushed into the shelter. We realised that the 2girls Jamie and Yihui were missing, couldn't find them at any of the shelters. Despite the heavy rain and "broom room broom" thunder, they were in the waters splashing at each other. I was like,,wooh! Realli got balls mann! I was so scared of getting struck down by lightning perhaps...

Dinner was at Muscle Boy's. The sirloin steak and King prawn were kinda pathetic. But luckily the waitress was very chiou, both cute and pretty, especially the way she smileeed...being amused by our nonsense. pathetic..pathetic...

After dinner we broke-up with the girls and the pda went to toys r'us. Damn fun. kaizhong looked like some construction worker by wearing the yellow helmet with his favorite BOSS long sleeved shirt that he wore the last time too. The toys nowadays are cool but obviously the prices have risen as well. Nic goh and I bought some nice medieval knight's sword and shield. We were like some bunch of overgrown children slashing one another at the departmental store. But Who cares? why so serious?

The journey home was kinda emo...Just zac and I on 855. Was telling him about the routes to my house and the unworldly implications that might be involved at that time of the night. I took the supposedly "safer" route. Somehow, when I was walking pass the deserted powerhouse, there were close footsteps behind me. Turned around, saw nothing.
Immediately, I turned my entire body around as what my mom always told me to do. The footsteps stopped and there was nobody.
When I was about to continue...the breathing sounds started...
I hastened my pace,
I guessed it sensed the anxiety inside of me.
There was a snigger. The footsteps suddenly felt as though they were right behind me.
when i was about to clear from the powerhouse, I heard an "ahem" right next to me.
I broke into a run until the security guard post was near.

Slept at about 3+ last night trying to download and install combat arms which the rest were playing. in the end, there was this message about system requirement being not met. Almost smashed my comp. Luckily msn was still on.

Ok I will probably slack the next few days at home having burnt such a hole in my wallet. Managing my finance is important!

Crashed cj today to study with the sjisjab peeps. It was very unproductive of course. But well, I had studied physics for 3 times this A level period, so another day won't make much of a difference anyway.
Somehow there's this nice sji feeling about cj, unlike nj.
Haven't made fun of Joel for so long, and I ENJOYED IT! totally love making fun of dardar especially when his retaliation to our comments just sparks more crap out. hmm, we probably did 1 and a half physics papers in 7hours. that brings a calculated productivity rate of 25%? The other 75% went into talking cock.

Tomorrow is the END! the END! no studying for more than 2 and a half years. Oh mann, I miss A levels. Intelligence level would have deteriorated by 60 by the time I pass out from full time NS.

Can't wait for grad night. How in the world am I gonna throw my face then..... for the last time....

And Kevin wants to thank everyone for the birthday greetings. How he hopes that the wishes he made would come through.But the angel appears and tells him "Noob!Miracles can only happen if you chase your dreams and not seat there like a bloody plant. How do I make the potion if you ain't gonna get me the ingredients!"

So...i decided to post something after a while...

Today, my headache just got worse after studying with NJPDA. Its fun...but how am I gonna concentrate with nic goh putting his head through the window and hwahwahwa! Its like some vicious cycle of noise as it always have been. When I don't feel like studying, Im gonna disturb the rest. and when I feel like studying, someone won't feel like, and so he's gonna disturb everyone else. Hence, by mathematical induction and the law of retarded children, we will keep getting distracted unless we separate ourselves from each other, ceteris paribus. But to separate ourselves from each other, we have to overcome binding energy. And the only ones who can do it best are lumpy(born with the ability to teleport) and zac(born with the ability to study with his face on the wall and optical night vision mode to mugg in the dark).

In the course of my lims now...A levels has been bad BAD!
and the papers suck! not because they are tough but because I just hate them
Like what my friend says...A good paper is one which is difficult enough for others to fail, but easy enough for me to do. What's the point if everyone is able to eat the maths paper like a piece of cake, those people from woodbridge ...erm i mean cambridge will just increase the freaking A cut off to 80 or higher.

And econs today was really dreadful, it was tough enough for both... others to fail, and for me to fail as well. They should give like 3 hours for econs man, really needed the extra time to think rather than freely spamming knowledge and crapping out some kevin chan theories. I can kiss my A for GP goodbye, and throw it into a sea of my own stupidity because I probably wrote out of point. Maybe if the cambridge dude appreciates my writing, he might accidently put down an A on my script or something like that...hopefully..

Have been sick the entire exam period. Started with a bit of cough last tuesday,which developed into some regenerative monster phlegm that clogs up my throat, followed by headache after chem. The medicine seems to be utterly useless. Finished the whole course of antibiotics and still...I haven't recovered. Probably it has been the product of late nights and the lack of physical training the past 2 weeks. I think my 2.4 run might be 13 minutes now...or maybe 2 minutes because I will drop dead after the first round given my effingly irritating flu. And i have been such a great farmer having sown so many pimple seeds all over such that all the medicine is running out now...

Luckily, it's kinda over now...By wednesday, its gonna be slack time....By next tuesday, I will just run down the examination hall and tear all the entry proofs i see. Can't wait for it mann....moments from now....NJPDA will be arguing at the canteen about where to go for outing, and on the next day, we would be baking ourselves on the beach while the sands of time will have deemed to cease...
But in 1 year's time while eating shit in tekong...I might wish and yearn to do be doing my A levels again

Somehow, the good thing about this exam period is that I keep having good dreams....nice....sweet ones...
Oh my gosh, i really got to get well soon.

nice class video that makes you emo

stupid njpda videos makes your day. viewer beware, these videos are (R)-rated




(R)etarded

Prelims just ended. Some of the papers were really so effed up, with my chances of getting good grades being very low. But before carrying on to prepare for the "lims", its always good to take short breaks.

After our first 2 weeks of prelim torture, there was NJPDA outing to the comex fair. It was so damn crowded and we hardly did anything. We just walked and talked, met Mr Song who took a picture with us. And there was this Caucasian lady helping us to take the photo but pointing the camera to herself instead. What a joke. haha. Could even see her face in the viewfinder. It was tiring and our legs hurt like nuts. Really wonder how girls can shop for 5 hours, enter a shop for 1 hour and come out with nothing at all!

The next day was teacher's day. Since we were allowed to wear anything that we wanted, zac, nic goh and I wore our sji pt kit. It was damn fun. As usual, we made lots of noise. While the other classes approached their teachers silently to offer well wishes and occasional claps, that was too boring and too "nj" for us. Being a boisterous and loud bunch of fools, we brought lots of attention to our teachers. People within a 500 AoE would just turn their heads and "admire" us.

After that, we returned to sji. At first there was hardly anybody. Those who went back were mostly from NJ. Then my vj friends came, followed by those from cj. Bert, horse, and blunt greeted me with a wedgie right at the centre of the canteen. Not only was it unsuccessful, the most stupid thing was that hubert, being oblivious of his parents' presence few benches away did it right in front of them. They were probably questioning the sexual orientation of their son after that. Jing han, Jason, Augy, Shaun and I went to carl's jr for a second lunch. We talked cock for about an hour. Seems like NJPDA quite famous in VJ because Jing han showed the funky videos from our class blog to his vj class. We shared some jokes which Shaun tried to remember so that he could tell his girlfriendS. Marcus Wong joined us after his soccer game and we went to watch Walle. Initially, it seemed like a baby show to me, only entertaining for those under 1.2m. But we realised otherwise too late. It shouldn't have been wasted with a bunch of buddies.

There was a FUEL day of reflection cum outing on Saturday where we went to Botanic gardens together with Konoinia. The weather was atrocious and the heavens cried, so we didn't have much choice but to go straight to jervis's condo where we played soccer with a bunch of guys older than us who had a bad reputation for "picking a fight". Sadly, none of us were proficient goalkeepers and their players were relatively better skilled. As a result, every shot at our goal had a 80% chance of success. Luckily, they were outnumbered, and since we played substitution, the goals from our side started coming in late-game. Those guys weren't as rough as they seemed. Not a single "fuck" uttered even though a trip left me with a bleeding toe and one of them having an abrasion.Hardly ate anything during the bbq, just told jokes and stunned fuel and the con4s with "around the world in eighty days". And being stupidly careless, I misplaced my mp3 which was fortunately retrieved from caspar a week later.

The one week September holidays allowed me to concentrate on the remaining papers. Nonetheless, they were equally sucky as those I did in the 2weeks. Haiz.

After the last paper on wednesday, we had lunch with our class girls where as usual, we sat separately, and split up after the meal. While they went walking at esplanade, we were at irc blasting each other's heads in CS. Haha, and Artons who was seating beside me failed continuously to contain the "fuck!" at the back of his throat. Dota was bad because jumper, lumpy and zac were unfamiliar with the game and they were feeding nic goh fat. The opposing team had only mervyn as its sole noob, and it was difficult killing him since he was protected and advised by kaizhong. While artons and i controlled our lanes well in the first half, we were later pwned effortlessly by nicgoh who was overly fat from feeding.

We went to Sentosa yesterday. NJPDA-kaizhong, together with yongjian and aaron. Kaizhong was grounded by his mum and he sent nic goh some funny procrastinating sms in the morning. It was damn funny that kaizhong was pangsehing having chided lumpy for trying to pangseh the previous day after lan. We had pda discussion for an alternative place other than sentosa since we have been going there on the day after the last paper of every single exam. Nonetheless we still decided on sentosa.We had a game at the street soccer court against some bunch of guys. Their techniques and team work were way better than ours, the only reason why they lost was that our goal keeper jumper was that imba. As in, really imba, he catches almost everything. Slacking and monkeying at the beach was fun, as it always would be. We met Artons and kelly for dinner. Artons couldn't join us in the afternoon as he was out playing lan the whole night. zzzz. It was followed by talk cock and truth or dare session at the roof top garden with the girls who went shopping.

I can't wait till "lims" are over. Monday...its time to get back to work.

Dabong, dabong, dabong


just returned from overseas camp at stong





Day 1:0


Went to tanjong pagar railway station to board the 12 hour long train to dabong, malaysia. Had lots of stuff to carry initially. My haversack, one chunkol, two tents, and a plastic bag of food for my bottomless pit. The train ride was quite boring, luckily there were beds for us to sleep on. I started playing bridge in the canteen with cheehao, benedict, and mervyn in the canteen, followed by a few hours of asshole daidi in the cabin with jessie, sekzen, cheehao, and mervyn. It was quite fun since I held on to the king title for about 10 rounds. However, they were rather stone while playing cards, so had to self-entertain myself with my mp3player.





when we reached the railway station at dabong, there were lots of flies and mosquitoes, but still less than that of ace camp (like what sekzen said). Then, we set off for the resort at the bottom of stong via vans. Since the vans were too small to fetch all of us at one go, several trips had to be made. As usual, mervyn and i were the last to leave the station in the guild's car, together with lum chee fai. And what happened next was totally stupid, the car's tyres were punctured halfway on the journey. So everyone who reached the resort had to wait for the grand arrival of the two jokes and the retard.





The waterfall was magnificant and it reminded me of the punchbowl falls in New zealand which i climbed about 6 years ago. The scenery was so beautiful that the cascading water stirred the hearts of the OAC lovebirds as their eyes burned with passion and their hands found each other. The hike up to the base camp was quite bad, really bad. Wonder why do they call it the base camp when it is at the top of the waterfall. It was super slippery and I wet my underwear, trackpants and tent even before we reached the base camp. After leaving our belongings at the base camp, we had to climb to the summit. It was a long journey and my shoes were so slip-non-resistant. Mervyn wasn't better off. The two of us kept slipping and dirtying our track pants. In the end, oac was just too slow, and the guide estimated that we would only reach the summit close to nightfall. Though I really desired to reach the top, most oacians were already exhausted, and it was also dangerous to descend the mountain at night, hence we made our way down, giving up on our goals. Going down was an arduous task, we kept slipping, falling, falling, slipping. After a while, I was probably even more dirty than the ground, and to prevent the agony of falling, I sat on the yellowish-slimy brown earth and skied my way downhill. It sucks for mervyn lim who was limping and shafting his hands between his upper thighs and underwear with every step.

Ok, here's the best part of the trip:

We were given like 30minutes to wash up. While some people stayed in their tents spamming prickly heat and cooking their dinners, others were bathing at the gathering place with a beautiful scenery. Since oac has both genders unlike sji, people didn't dare to take off their clothing while bathing. It was no point bathing in dirty clothing since you would still be dirty after the bath, hence benedict, mervyn, and I went to a higher isolated point of the waterfall and bathed there. The water was super nice, cool, and refreshing, just three guys bathing , it was much better than washing myself with water used by 20 others. We bathed till sunset where the atmosphere was serene and it felt that we were the only living things in the entire forest. It was very dark at the campsite since there were no streetlamps, but still we had the best meal i ever had at any camp where we had to do outfield cooking.

We descended the mountain the next day and headed for some caves. The limestone caves were awesome and they reminded me of the alien cave in star trek where the queen alien shafted her proboscis into the man's head.Then, 13 of us entered an underwater cave. What happened to the 29 others? They were stopped at the entrace of the cave by lumcheefai, khoo, and claralee since they deemed it as being "too dangerous". The 13 of us had already gone underwater and proceeded to the other side of the cave, so there was no turning back. The cave was cramped up, and it was a long, narrow, meandering route to its opening. There were even bats on the ceiling of the cave. Finally, we emerged at the exit and the guide told us some bad news: "er...er..saya..thisa...place, leeches,..many..many leeches,..one by one...one...one...you..is run...must run...across...fasti.d" The next moment, I found myself splashing through a waterlogged field (similar to the one in "Anaconda") When those wriggly, fugly things jumped onto my legs, i whacked them off desperately. We finally reached a road where cows were chewing grasses, horny drivers were beeping furiously at us to get off the road, and shagged-looking, yet happy oacians were sharing their experiences. I realised that I was the only one out the 13 who had the balls to enter the caves in shorts and not get bitten at all. The ip1s, alvyn, and rv girls were all in trackpants, full combat attire against leeches and its amphibious allies.

the shower at the railway village was crap. At first we were told by lumcheefai that there was no light, there were two showers but when one is turned on, the other is off, and we had a limited amount of water to use. Then, suddenly the lights were switched on, and we were elated. But rejoice was too early, way too early. The moment the lights were turned on, swarms of flies entered the shower room. Terence was screaming desperately for help, he was like:"kevin! kevin! just come in and help!" When I went to his rescue, i was dumbfounded at the grotesque sight. It was a nude oac vice-president clutching his family jewels with one hand and frantically scratching the back of his shoulders with his other. There were ants with their scattered wings all over his back, and their jaws were embeded in his skin.

Luckily, I had my bath in a shower room further from the light source. Yet, mosquitoes and flies were relentlessly attacking my groin and lower body. Mervyn was bathing in the shower room where terence was assaulted, and had to face the six-legged horrors too. However, a worse beast was awaiting me.

"mervyn, u done or not? my turn leh."

"ok, i off already"

Just as I was about to push the tap, the creature pounced from its camouflage on the wall, missing me by a few inches.

"LIZARD! lizard! fuck you lizard! fuck! get away! fucking lizard!"

It was a fat, stupid, and gay lizard, the 4-legged predator of the flies. It scurried to mervyn's cubicle and took a place with its buddy at the lights, enjoying the feast we had prepared for them. It was a nightmare come through, I had often dreamed about many little lizards, or one monster lizard jumping onto me when I was naked. Once, I even had this gruesome dream where the lizard jumped onto my groin, and i couldn't find it. When I spotted it, the idiot bit onto my balls and did not let go.

It was not over. At the railway station, khoo informed us that the tour agency had booked a wrong train which was set to depart the next day, and we had to stand on the entire journey till seats were available. Want sleep also cannot sleep, and people were staring at us like some goondoos standing on the KMTexpress. Passengers must be thinking that we were some illegal immigrants from dabong. They should really give us a certificate for "standing on train for 10hours", and compensate us too, man.

Though lots of stuff screwed up..the camp still rocks. Personally, i feel what is important about such a trip is the experience it gives us, and allows us to share it with other people. i mean if the trip went totally smoothly, there would be nothing to talk about, laugh about, and reminiscense in the future. On the train, i was like:"fuck, fuck, idiotic piece of craps", but after i reach home, theres this desire to be put into that situation again. In the past during sjisjab june camps, we would be counting the no. of hours to the end of camp, dreading every minute that passes in fear of new demands from the ncos. However, if I had a chance now, I wouldn't mind pressing some time machine button and be teleported to the instant where ACSM sean chua screwed the COS PTE kevin chan for giving wrong orders. I also wouldn't mind appearing at the 50 push-ups count when we were pumped 100 as sec1s when my dear squadmate marcus soh innocently cut the R&W nco's squad. Its an irony. Though there were many faults and unpleasant surprises during the trip, this trip has been a success for all of us. A camp/expedition is "a venture out of our comfort zones and an opportunity to develop as leaders(lasallian)"

common test really sucks. I think it will be difficult to obtain above a C for any of the papers, even more difficult to get an S for chem with a 8/30 for mcq.



Lots of holiday homework to be done. June has become a mugging holiday, but it's good for us since the A levels are in 5 months time, and judging from my current performance, im probably gonna screw my life up if I don't get serious with my work. Looking back, I realised I NEVER completed my holiday homework during the holidays throughout my entire JC life. In secondary school, holiday homework was only done on the last few days of the holiday and the first few days of school. hehe. Im going to transform to my alterego, the king of muggers, the deadly mugger, the holy mugger, mugger knight, mugger ranger, muggermon, the angel of muggers, the guadian of books, whatever.



Anyway, the post-ct period rocks. We had class outing after physics paper. Almost the entire class turned up. We went to sukyi sushi for buffet. Though the quality of the food isn't that good, we can't expect much lah since it was just 21 bucks. I was sitting with lumpy, dan, and nic goh. The table behind had kaiajikezhong jike jike zhong zhong and jumper, with marvin and aaron. Kaizhong was damn amused with marvin's eating habits and took some videos. The table with mervyn, zac, and artons were talking about the same topic as us, only difference was that we were having a more in depth discussion. As usual, the girls didn't sit with us. We saw lots of nj pple too, including kok hao. Iordered scallops, but what came was some scalded scallops which were cold, and very tasteless. Really sucks, i hate this kind of scallops, either give me raw or fully cooked la. There were 16 scallops altogether. lumpy was emoing in his natural state so he couldn't eat any, in the end we threw the scallops into a plastic bag and hid it nextto lumpy so that we won't have to pay extra for food wasted. haaah, and we forgot to dispose it before leaving, so the waiter who was cleaning our area after we left was probably like..thinking of shafting chopsticks up our asses. We split from the girls later and went to play lan. Dota was seriously gg for my team, it was lumpy, jumper, zac, mervyn, and me, against nic goh, kaizhong, artons, dan, who were all pros. Luckily, I managed to kill 3 of them with the exception of nic goh. Then we played cs, initially it was damn confusing since lumpy made us play pool-day and he kicked our nuts like shit. The best part was when i sneaked behind the blur mervyn who was trying to aim with his carbine, took my knife and chopped his balls off.



The next day, we went to sentosa. Lots of people pangseh, mostly the girls, and kaijikezhong and jumper. Two of them idiots, pangseh pda. daniel skipped band, mervyn and i skipped some oac briefing, and they didnt have stuff on but just didnt feel like going. So we played volleyball and incited the spirit of kaizhong to help us, in the end we won the girls. I dug a damn big hole and owned everyonelse, haaha, totally ownedge, like some pool with white stuff in it.



At night we ate at food republic with lynette and jamie. Thought of watching a movie initially, but we talked cock after dinner for more than 2 hours. Lots and lots of crap we told the girls, including our sji tales and josephian adventures. Our class rocks man, somehow v.cheng was so stupid to put the sji and cat high pple into one class. And our class has 5 sji peeps, comparable to an average class in cjc.



On friday we played cards behind the hall and got caught by a council teacher, thanks to the some of us playing the piano and making so much noise. Zi xiang appeared all of a sudden and told us to hide, but it was too late, the teacher came in like 4 seconds after him. She initially thought that we were j1s until i was identified as the maktab guy. Sighz. We played soccer after to school with the guys from other classes, luckily kelly helped us, if not we would have been owned like crazy. Went for fuel spark in church at night. It was kind of fun since i hadn't gone for quite some time, and according to adam, this particular meeting had a sudden increase in people, and it was joel's bday too.

There was rock climbing course on saturday. However, it was mainly supposed to test our belaying skills. I was told that i forgot to do something during the test by the instructor. I wasn't told what my mistake was initially, but it came to light later that i did not ask whether the climber wanted to continue his climb or not after he had fallen. I had done lots of rock climbing and heights-related stuff, and what i was accustomed to was "fall-on" after the climber announces that he might be falling. Too much confidence that I didn't pay attention during the lesson. In the evening, went to church for the youth outreach mass and family prayer gathering.

Sunday, monday, tuesday...didn't even touch homework. Just gunbound, cs, dune, frozen throne, guitar evey day...
Went for a swim at my sister's condo yesterday. There was no one at the pool. the lap pool, adventure pool, jaccuzzi was all mine. It really rocks compared to the SRC or public swiming pool where I have to avoid touching someone else's bodyparts whenever i make a single stroke. We watched indiana jones and the crystal skull at night. Man, that guy is really old and weak now, and kinda wuse too.

I would be going to malaysia later for oac bwm overseas trip. the train ride itself is 10 hours and ohh my, i hope that the mosquitoes are all guys. Though difficult, i got to try to keep my spirits high and irritate everyone. From experience, the moment my laughter disappears, evryone emos, and when i emo...that's it...the camp's gonna suck.

Im finding myself lagging behind by a lot, people like marvin already started on nuclear physics which was only given out 2 days ago. So damn difficult to catch up on my work.

Had to do some essay on poverty for gp today. Writing essays really sucks, i'd rather do some chem or math test instead. All my mood was like drained after doing it. Then, mervyn started becoming gee xiao during econs, laugh non-stop. Had to do physics presentation after lunch and yongster asked so much shit, and since I neither prepared nor knew much about what i was presenting, nick lim and I just crapped our way through as usual.

My standing broad jump is really bad, and if I don't hit 230m in two weeks time, Im gonna lose my gold. Haiz, got to train harder.

Bus took such a bloody long time to cum, and i was like wet all over by the time I got on the bus. The aircon was like freezing much colder than my lame jokes, almost dieded by hypothermia. And my handphone seriously sucks, couldn't even make a call to my mum to pick me from the bus stop. Had to take an emo walk through the drizzle. Suddenly, the angels wanted me to train my shuttle run and it poured like mad, it was as if happy buddha sat on the clouds and started peeing. By the time I reached home, was totally drenched...

I think my mp3 is some kind of brain controlling machine, the moment the earphones touch my ear, my mouth is sealed and someone drifts into my mind....

Here Without You (by 3 doors down)

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same

All the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there's only you and me.

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me.

Everything I know,
and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls,
when it's all said and done.
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me

Some food for thought....

17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em," he later told his father, Bruce. "It's the best thing I ever wrote.." It also was the last. Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while cleaning out the teenager's locker at Teary Valley High School. Brian had been dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every piece of his life near them - notes from classmates and teachers, his homework. Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen's life. But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that their son had described his view of heaven. "It makes such an impact that people want to share it. You feel like you are there." Mr. Moore said. Brian Moore died May 27, 1997. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck an utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted. The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him."

Brian's Essay: The Room

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.

As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.

I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me.One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.

Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained with one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.

He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red, so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room.

There was no lock on its door.

There were still cards to be written.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."- Philippians 4:13.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16

Looking out of the windows,
its pitch dark,
no quacks from any ducks
like how it had been in the day.
its so unlike the day
now that im alone.
1.54....1.55....1.56...the minutes pass by...
i just cant get to sleep
till this justice has been fufilled....

That day...
I heard the laughter
I smelt the flowers
I saw the love
I touched the friendship
I felt the joy...
Yet...the taste of tears is distinct at the back of my throat

I dont want to care..i dont want to give a shit, but i still yearn to injure myself on that rose...of...pain..

this sucks...

Im alone...all Icould do is be your p.a.l.....

Orientation ended yesterday. Few weeks ago, I was hoping that this day would come as soon as possible, but currently Im a bit depressed. This means that the big work load will start coming in by monday and my excuses as an OGL will no longer be valid. Most importantly, the fun has ended and i will have to move away from the solaris ogls, from 08ip03, and back to studies...

The preparation for orientation was heavy. There were so many dance practices to attend, and being untalented in dance, it was very difficult to pick-up the dance steps quickly. We spent the most time preparing for the walk-in dance, had to go to school about 3 times a week during the december holidays to practise dance steps and to design the cardboard lion. However, through these, we had the opportunity to bond with the other solaris ogls and extend the njpda influence. haha. Then there was the end-of-year ogl camp where we had extreme fun. We had a new ecstacy cheer for solaris which mervyn introduced and soon everybody in Solaris was shaking their bodies and shouting the cheer like a bunch of idiots. The atmosphere was equivalent to the times like last year's dance party where a big group of people actually followed us in the stupid things we did. By the first night of the ogl camp, my voice was hoarse, having screamed the SJI cheers only to be countered by "S-J-I sucks". As usual, I spammed my ogl group with lameity, and the rest of njpda especially nic goh made our crippled presence known to the ogls of 2008. The 4 of us(zac, nic goh, mervyn, and me) spent the night in the middle of the field where we played cards and talked crap. Nic goh was jumping around with his butt right in front of zac's face and it was ultimately humorous lah. I joined him too and soon we were half-naked rolling about on the field laughing "whahhhwaahhhwhaah!" Then, I came up with a new joke inspired by what zac said to mervyn....

we are truly bopa(bunch of possessed assholes)

The real show started on 2nd Jan, the first day of orientation. I was allocated to an ip class, wasn't really contented initially since I preferred a mainstream class. I was the only ogl who wasn't from ip allocated to an ip class. The first day I saw 08ip03, they looked rather stone and it appeared that they would be that way till the end of orientation. Hardly mixed with them during the first week of orientation since I didn't have the time to do so anyway. The only people I could remember by the end of the first week were of course Sekzen( my cadet), chunwai(the other josephain), and Hao Qing (Suyi's brother). However, by the second week, we started interacting more, and they were a fan of my lame jokes. Station games was the starting point for their cheering abilities and they became more bonded after it. The turning point was on Wednesday when I spammed them with my lame jokes during the quest. 08ip03 has a great potential for being lame and they started telling me their jokes too. Lots of funny and weird stuff occurred during the quest too...though i won't mention it here. The girls in ip03 were also able to understand yellow jokes too and they were readily able to join in the fun. (Of course lah, Solaris is a yellow house) Amanda told me a super own-edge joke which burst all the laughter-controlling barriers in me. Best sia! Though they didn't win the quest, it was no big deal since their class spirit was there.

Yesterday, there was inter-clan war games. I was a referee, but still kena bombarded by water bombs. Nic goh started pulling down people's pants, and it was contagious, everyone started doing so too. Then, I was tao poked by my ip03 and some other ogls who stuffed the black stuff from the field into my pants. Damn dirty, damn wet! But anyway, Lignum-Solaris-terra won! In the afternoon, the juniors were supposed to guess our secondary school. It was obvious I was from sji since I shouted the sji cheers and wore green shorts almost everyday. Hence, I decided to wear the anderson pina-fold borrowed from mei gui, it was ultimate mann!! The whole LT was roaring with laughter. I even made a large tummy and huge boobs with my sji uniform. Nic Goh wore Liz's MGS uniform. OMG, it was crazy lah, it was so tight fitting for him and his underwear was exposed to everyone a couple of times when he spinned around.

It ended with the dance party in the hall which was extremely smelly!
At the end of the dance party, we gave ip03 affirmation letters with their photos on them. Almost cried lah!
08ip03, our journey with you ends here, but your journey in NJ has just begun...
Thank you 08ip03 OGLs, Elizabeth, Jing Ho, Estella, Jason....for OGLling with me
Thank you njpda for entertainment...as usual
Thank you 08ipo3 for the support you gave, and the time I enjoyed being your OGL...

Haven't touched this place for some time...

There was the confirmation3 camp at the start of November. Honestly, this camp was the sex. Best church camp, and this year’s con3s were just so lucky. The previous 2 confirmation camps weren’t really as good as this one. The con3s had a nice time, and the facils (FUEL aka us) definitely enjoyed it. Every night, after the last session, and when the lights go out….the nocturnal facils have an illegal gathering in one of the dorms…theres lots of food…instant noodles, chips, donuts, popcorn, and of course the soyamilk which was the sex among all the food. We would then start talking all the rubbish, and I had such a fun time spewing all my lame jokes. Then theres this weird game which Audrey called “Bouncy Bouncy Smack Smack” where the girls would unhook each other’s thingys…omg…eew. When we wake up in the morning, we would be like sleepy toads. Ok, enough of that. Anyway, it wasn’t just the con3s which managed to experience Christ through the camp, even the facils were pretty touched by the events that took place. It was a great experience, and we definitely learned a lot from it. Thank you Con3s for being such a lively bunch!

The following week was the confirmation mass, and my brother was getting confirmed too. Hence, FUEL went out on the day before to get gifts for the con3s. We were at Art Friend, and seriously one of the salesmen is GAY, fat, stupid and gay. I think his name was Peter Wee or something. That gay friend from Art Friend who thought that Damain was some Singapore Idol, started dancing in front of us and talked like some perverted gay. He can go shake hands with the Bishan gay and form some alliance. While Bishan gay takes his favorite Catholic high, SJI, and J8, he could be in charge of the orchard area. Stayed up till quite late that night to finish the con3 gifts. It was really difficult carving on the candles, and they must have looked really disgusting if not for the gold dust…haiz

Confirmation mass was quite grand, but somehow preferred mine 2 years ago. After that, it was chaos, everybody was busy taking photos to bother exiting from church. It was until the lights went off that people started going to the venues for dinner and bbq. Hardly ate anything because there wasn’t much food. As usual, I told jokes again, but this time to the con3s instead of FUEL. Haha, some things never change…

Couldn’t stay till late since I had to leave for San Francisco the next morning.

Will blog about my trip some other time…

Haiz…

Went for OAC games session in the morning.
Initially thought that only about 10 people will go, just like the OAC dinner, but turned out that almost the entire CCA went.

They were playing bball. No point in me playing since I suck at it. So just played the freak guitar at grand stand and enjoyed the drizzle.Strings were rather rough and rusty, my fingers hurted when I pulled-off.

Then came the usual captain’s ball where I would defend and babble crap non-stop. Got rather high during the game but went down after playing bball. All the guys played damn well, and I scored only one. They were flicking my balls so hard that I felt ultimately sianz. If only nigo and kaizhong were there to perform worse than me and fill the atmosphere with hwahwahwas instead of the empty sound of raindrops falling…..

Told lame jokes with mervyn and weiwen outside the OAC room. Felt great to laugh out loud till those in the room had to shut the door.

We then travelled all the way to queensway to eat at burger king’s. Other than some crap with mervyn, lunch was rather quiet.

Time flies just like a bird.
It is really difficult to accept that half of my JC life is over. Seems like it was just yesterday that I met my OG for the very first time.

I could still remember vividly that I was happy having remained in terra house with exactly the same ogls. Dan, who was from my previous og was also with me. We had this performance in the hall by the various houses, and I realised that nic goh was in my class too. Then, when walking towards our venue for icebreakers, someone shouted my name from behind. Yup, and that was Zac.

It was a fun orientation, and my class was full of crappy people. Apparently, more than half of the guys from our class were from boys’school, and so, we brought to Nj all our nonsense to keep ourselves entertained.

The first 3 months were just plain slack, joy, fun, laughter.
Could clearly remember the times when we had nothing to do for 2 hours before PE on Friday. The girls would sit at the grandstand and talk among themselves, and the guys would rush to either the basketball court or the semi-D for soccer.

Then the O’level results came out, and the relaxed days ended abruptly. The true NJ mugger syndrome appeared, and many started working….for example….Marvin…However, many of us guys still had the “O’levels just ended” mentality and couldn’t get down to serious studying, hmm, maybe even till now…

On one fateful day, Goh Kien Huay, our civics tutor then, decided to let us mingle around in the canteen during CAAL. There was this sudden outburst of lameness and everyone started spewing out every single joke we knew. We realised we had a talent being lame….and hence the NJPDA was born. By the way, NJPDA means NJ Physically Disabled Association…and not NJ Public Display of Affection.

Throughout the entire year, the we did everything together. From studying(seldom), to eating the exact same food, to playing the same game, and even to c.r.ying. We were a bunch of idiots, bundle of sticks who did everything that normal nj guys will never do.
That is because we were from express, not normal!
I mean…how many people actually
scream when they see water in the toilet?!
Ok, anyway, if we were to actually videotape our every actions during the year, and record our lunch time conversations, it could be made into the ultimate comedy…ever.

The school term was filled with crap, stupidity, laughter, and humour. Yet, there were many down times for me.

Felt like everyone was better sometimes
Unable to excel in my studies
Couldn’t get certain people off my mind
Kevin is a shadow of his former self.

Anyway, what’s done is done. Got to do some reflection before finishing off the rest of this year.

Today is the last day of the school term….yesterday seemed to be the day I entered Nj…. tomorrow could probably be the moment I put the grey uniform away forever…

Hmm, time left in JC is really running out, hope to cherish the time we have together before it all ends. Before I know it, it’s A levels, and the next thing that happens will be kissing the grounds of tekong.

Haven't been touching this place for quite a while.

It was teacher's day on Friday and Nj had its own teacher's day celebrations. The theme was retro and the teachers came dressed in retro costume with all that gay stuff. They had some dance workout before the celebration which involved punching, kicking and martial arts in general. Nic Goh and I acted like retarded fools by copying exactly what the dance leaders were doing. Some girls at the front actually turned back, pointed at us and laughed. But who cares?
The class prepared some cards which we gave to our teachers after the workout. The rest of the celebrations were pretty boring so we sat down and folded paper cranes from the little leaflets which the art club(student council) made. There was the song performance by Zac who played "Top of the world" by one of my favorite bands, and the stupid skit by the drama club(student council)...

Made a trip back to SJI after the celebrations ended. SJI didnt have teacher's day celebrations since it clashed with the Sec4's prelims and Sec3's OBS. The O'Levels have been brought forward this year, causing disruption in the usual schedule of school events like the anniversary parade and prelim dates. Perhaps this is the first time SJI isnt celebrating teacher's day. Usually, teacher's day in SJI would start with a mass in the morning followed by celebrations in the PAC. Nevertheless, our teachers were still in school so we could visit them! Haven't met up with my SJI friends for quite some time already, so the moment I reached school, my mouth lost its ability to close. Talked lots of shit with my ex-classmates, from our ole days, to girls in jc, to cca, to SJI pple in NJ and wad crap they have been up to....

Went to the staff room to visit all our teachers. Talked more crap. One of the computers had the NJ homepage on it with Trent's "fat" face beside Suyi's, then everybody started commenting about it. My memory quite bad, even called Ms Chia --> Mrs Chia. And even dared to joke with Sng. It was my first time entering the HOD office to find Lye Hin and martina chan. Mr Lee was away on PHD, so Mrs Chan entertained us with the stuff on her table....including the winnie the pooh's tiger(forgot its gay name) !vibrator! Talked to S-lim about sjab stuff for quite some time after which he gave us some finger food meant for the teachers. But yea...haha....we helped the teachers to finish them...Didn't know that Sji's gallery( What Godwin calls holy ground) which kept all its relics was situated just outside the HOD office. We weren't allowed to enter it, we were never allowed in before, but could see from outside that it contained lots of cool stuff like the blessed sacrament and old letters from long long ago. Just as we were about to leave the staff room from the exit which I had never been to before....something on the wall caught my eye.......

-------"De La Salle says:"Inspire your students" "------
Now I know why....

Jing Han, Augy and the others had left much earlier to play pool, so went to plaza sing with few of squad taurus, nick wee, and godwin. Just like old times, Hubert and Nick wee were bickering with each other and we soon started ramming one another in the bus just like a buch of little kids. It was damn fun teasing Joel also, havent done that for quite a while. And just like idiots...we missed the stop. So had to walk for quite a while before reaching ps. Then we met the earlier group which left together with Jared. Alamak, Jared whole day whole life live to exist for canoeing. Apparently, they were helping Jared to find some canoeist stuff or else Yong would kill the nj canoeist or something like that. . But couldn't join them, my stomach was already growling. Went to KFC for lunch where godwin's baby joined us. After which both Nick Wee and Godwin left, with the same 5 of us together again...Joel, Hubert, Matthias, James, and me...

There's one week to get back on track for studies....Thursday for extracting wisdom tooth...

M(guy) has a crush on V(girl). He tries to woo her, asking her out on dates, calling her every night, sms-ing her every moment, buying her gifts... Both of them get on well. As time goes on...the more M got to know V, the more he felt attracted to her... and the more time he spent with her, the more that attraction grew into a deep emotional attachment and affection for her. However, there was one problem. As his emotional attachment grew stronger and stronger, he also grew more and more insecure because he couldn't tell whether or not she felt the same way towards him. Though V often spent time with M, M had this gut feeling that their relationship was only "friendship based". The insecurity that M felt became a spiral that amplified itself... and the more insecure he became, the more afraid he grew of "screwing things up" by kissing her or asking her to be his girlfriend. Plus, the more insecure he became, the less time she seemed to want to spend with him. After spending many days and nights obsessing over V, M finally arrived at the conclusion that if only V knew how he felt, she would be able to feel the same way towards him too.So he made a bold move. He told her his true feelings towards her. He confessed that he was in love, and that he would do anything to be with her. And guess what happened? V told M that she wasn't sure if she liked him. For the next few days, M and V started avoiding each other in school, M stopped calling V at night though he pined for her calls and her smses. M was totally confused about this sudden cold attitude towards him after he had confessed to her. Why is this happening? Does she like me? Questions, and questions after questions floated in M's mind day and night. M couldn't withstand this torture anymore and finally called V to clear things up. V then told him that she treated him only as a friend...

I was reflecting on this story yesterday night when I was somehow unable to get to sleep. M, like many other guys would probably be sad...depressed, emo....and also pissed off, erm furious perhaps. One-sided love is the worst mental agony one can experience. Yeah though M may like(love) V, at that point of time, he wants to shout, SHOUT!!! shout at her!!! and tell her to get lost!! get out of his mind!!! fuck off and die!!! maybe even give her a slap...This is what I define as the love-hate tragedy, which is the combination of both extreme feelings. Rejection is hard to be accepted, it is loathed, by everyone... For V, M is nothing more than a close friend. She would never be able to understand the pain which M feels, the confusion that torments him...

I attended Reverend Father Fossion's memorial service yesterday, and it somehow allowed me to visualise this rampant phenomenon in the spiritual sense. Isn't god's love to us one-sided too? He gave his only son to die for us and hence showed how much He loved the world. Yet, we often forget about this. Not only do we not love god in return, instead we choose to go against his teachings. There's just so much injustice in this world, so much love that is repaid only by bloodshed and hatred. Jesus taught us to love...what are we doing? Discriminating against others...not lending a helping hand...vengeful intentions....impure thoughts, selfishness...and the list goes on. Just like how V ignores M's smses...we are switching off our "handphones" and ignoring god's smses...

We hate it when our love is not acknowledged, just like how M feels when he is rejected despite being willing to devote himself to V. Perhaps we should put ourselves into God's shoes, and look at it from another angle. God's sacrificial love towards us is so immense, nevertheless we are rejecting Him through our callous actions in our daily lives... When we get rejected by our dream girl/ dream guy, it feels somewhat like a thousand swords piercing right into our hearts. I really wonder how God feels when billions reject his love..

I am far from being perfect.
I have made enemies.
Done many wrong things.

Maybe we should stop hating the other party for rejecting us. No one is perfect. And we had definitely rejected someone else's love in our lives before....be it our parents...or another M...

The world will be flawless if love is returned with love, and hate is returned with love. If everyone knows how to put themselves into someone else's shoes...

Our human nature sucks...

"A man leads an honorable life if he lives his life for others..."