Christmas is over and the year has passed so quickly. I accomplished none of my 2009 resolutions. All failed pathetically, everything!!!....except for something....

Just 1 year and so much has changed....relationships between people have changed, things are no longer the same any longer!!! and I have changed for fuck because I keep using fuck! thanks to the events of april and onwards...

why do I have to fucking place my hands on my eyebrows when i see undeserving people, people who can't even lead, care, inspire.....people who listen to orders blindly without using some grey matter?!??! people who show shagged faces before I do so!!!!

why have I learnt to walk this year? no more sparks in the back of my mind to make anyone, to make myself laugh till the tummy hurts.

but i thank you god this christmas for keeping my family safe another year for the 19th time, and for whatever talents you have given me to fight this misery...

thank you papa mummy and koko for always hearing me talk about army even though it's hard to understand what goes on....and all my friends for talking cock...pda...., ....sji, ...church...etc etc

I wonder if everything is worth it....
can pride be eaten? or should it be the least of my worries....

I have been so eager to start my pokemon adventure this weekend. However, upon returning home from camp, this white cloud on my gameboy colour lcd screen plunged my entire soul into depression. As i tried desperately to figure the root of the problem, fear engulfed me as thoughts of being deprived of the chance to be a pokemon master raced through my mind. Finally, I decided to dismantle the gameboy in hope that the white cloud could be wiped away from the inside. What appalled me was that the screws were unconventional ones with 3 corners instead of the usual 4. After utilizing every instrument in the tool box, I was forced to give up, it just could'nt be removed. I desired to get it fixed at some repair shop or game console shop, but this idea was relinquished because no one would bother fixing an old gameboy colour for me and it will be a waste of money to invest in items to repair the gameboy on my own. I guess that I have to suffer in silence like what I always do. After coming back from church, I tried everything in my stupid mind to get the screws out but it didn't buldge. I closed my eyes but the deep longing in my heart prevented me from falling asleep though I was totally exhausted from the 24km route march at east coast park from 7pm to 5am in the morning. Having just woken up for lunch, I still feel so shagged out. I didn't get a dream at all!!! WHY?!?! Why didn't I get a dream when I could afford an uninterrupted one during the weekends

9 weeks have passed BMT was fun and enjoyable, but an incident(cannot be posted) that occured proved to be a difficult test for my mental tresholds.

I guess being a Rec Chan is plain unlucky. Lung infection, bleeding lips, stunned .....,..,,...,...

While serving ns, guys have nothing to talk about other than army life, and girls will just go "huh?!". Gone are the days where I could put my brain to better use...

I miss school days even though there are exams and all that study stress. Thank god I am offered NUS law. I was pessimistic about getting in given how my grades paled in comparison with many others, and how screwed up my interview and written test were.

Ironically Im quite lucky to be able to wriggle out of these situations somehow....

the slack life ends here and a new phase begins as I make my way to bmt school 2

Sow ended a week ago. It is difficult to live a Christ-centred life outside of SOW, having to deal with the countless moral dilemmas and alluring temptations present in our secular lifestyle.
Sow was a wonderful experience. There were simply too many things that happened for me to pen it all down here. Somehow, I feel that I am a very fortunate person who hasn't been appreciative of the wonders that God has done for me and the talents that I possess.

Received my A level results a week ago. It was acceptable, but not particularly outstanding. Well, I need to be contented with what I have even though 51% of the nj cohort did better than me haha. After discussing with my family the past week, and doing some soul-searching, I have given up the ambition to become a doctor. I guess that medicine just isn't the appopriate vocation for me.

I have a dream that is blurred, and I am pulling my way through the cobwebs...

Im worried that someone will give up under the pressure of being crushed by a huge rock...

Im dreading the day when this menacing rock tumbles towards my path...

1st week of sow is over

Sow has been quite a good experience and I have started to feel the changes within me, though I may still be headstrong about lots of issues.
Hmm, there was a particular session about the stones that covered our hearts which in turn prevented ourselves from being open to others and to God...
Somehow, most of my stones were from a certain category. At that point in time I was so adamant about my individual beliefs that I refused to be prayed over. I just realised that it was a testimony to those stones...that I indeed had my heart covered with them.

Slowly, things are starting to unfold little by little.

The week was kinda fun too. There are 18 participants altogether, and half the number of adult facilitators from the mission team together with different frs who celebrate mass everyday. Some are pretty funny people, some are pretty energetic, some are pretty cool, but all are pretty nice. Every night bert and I would talk cock at the sofas and get chased back to our dorm for bed where he would be sleeping on top of me ehehe....as in double decker bed. Then, we would wake up late for breakfast, and oh gosh I can't stay awake during the 1hour personal prayer time...

Ok, back to camp in 2 hours

I have been wondering whether signing up for School of Witness(SOW) has been a right choice for me. The entire programme may be life changing, enriching, and character moulding....but do I actually want to change myself? Do i want to?!?!?!

Evangelisation and proclamation has never been something I yearned to do. never ever before. That's probably because I believe that GOd manifests Himself in many forms...the buddha...ala...Jesus, etc, and no single religion pales in comparison with the rest. Basically, a common message apparent in all religions: "Do Good"
In my opinion, evangelisation and proclamation are akin to advertising religion. This draws a close relation to how goods compete with one another in the free market economy. The thought of religion being a product for marketing somehow puts me on my toes.

Hopefully Sow might inspire me to be a witness of christ...just that the programmes really have to be powerful and inspirational to give my strong-minded personality a big nudge. I want god to guide me in my life.....but then again do I really desire to be a holy holy person after that 5 weeks?

A kevin who can't talk cock after that 5 weeks....well...Im just in love with my "talk crapability" no matter how much impure content i can produce

I feel like the prophet jonah who wasn't whole hearted in giving himself .....

On another note...I feel so useless..and hopeless. An utter failure. A shadow of my former self. Im so frightened of trying anymore, because undoubtedly i will still fail.....i give up...

With that pessimism, life could only get better, until then....

I will attempt the test...give in not to the rest...and try my best
Im smarter than i look but im more useless than i seem to be

Went back to nj and sji today. Heard that the school is pretty quiet now that the pda has graduated, causing the noise level to drop by probably 180%? It required merely nic goh and i to simply greet V Cheng louder than the rest of the entire school. Met up with the rest of the sji-sjab gang afterwards. Lunch at Carls Jr was hilarious! totally!

Last week's s23 outing was quite sad. The pda's full strength was 5, first time there were more girls than guys. We were also emoemo. But well, this week the National Slavery dudes are returning to the free world!!! Haiz, but i wont be able to make it tomorrow

Today was fun.
4 hours of badminton with sji-sjab taurus and Clarence. CJC is like some badminton school lah...all my cj squadmates can literally flick my balls like nuts. Luckily they weren't as god-like as the mighty xavier chua who owns me 21-2. Badminton can never be fun without all that loud laughing and effing around.

Wanted to go swim, but bert soluble in water, bearbear and james no attire...so nicgoh and clarence swam on their own while we just went to bathe and talk cock.

btw, for matthias who thinks our productions suck...njpda videos rawks! even jing han suscribe!

dota today was the best game i ever had....we were all equally matched and it lasted for 67 min with all that good teamplay and stress. It was seriously neck-to-neck since there was no imba guru damien liew to score 32 kills and rape our asses. Then we played call of duty where my comp was so full of shit, so many of god's angels coming out with all that white stuff and ruining my game...of course lah...bearbear found it fun shooting our balls.

Hey and thanks guys for attending Fuel session with me, though bert and clarence pangsehed. Hope you guys can come more often...hmm, initially thought that our sharing would turn out into our usual talk-cock session...but really...thanks for going deep...especially bear and dardar. and guitar playing was really screwed up on my part today...for not even knowing the song...not audrey's fault haha.

Stay united sji taurus 06

It is a new year
Some things happen overnight...while others seem to be overnight though they happen over 18 years.
12 years of formal education has whizzed past.
From the lil boy who cried on his first day of school in primary 1...to another lil boy who is typing this blog entry

(the boy who didnt look at the camera)

Lower primary at Ai tong was a quiet time where I kept to myself...frightened of every single soul. Didn't even dare to talk to strangers while waiting at the sidegate for mummy to pick me after school. The whole world was just me..and myself. My childhood viewpoint of the world was a dangerous place where everybody was waiting to kill me.

Upper primary was a time of peer pressure...Tamiya cars...wrestling cards, pokemon, digimon, playstation and all that stuff where kids play at school. I became more naughty and playful. My mom had to bear with complaints whenever she came to pick me up. There was a point of time when the class was "guys vs girls", we would tease the girls, and obviously the girls would complain to those damn p-school teachers who were ALWAYS siding with the girls.

(2nd row, 1st from right)

SJI is a family tradition, so I was (am) proud to be enrolled into the school. Secondary 1 was a year of learning, all the guys stuff that you can never find in your textbooks or from your parents. The SJI community was warm and family-like, the teachers and seniors were just different from Ai Tong. My class had lots of Nanyang primary school boys then..like godwin, mattheus, yan xun...and aitong schoolmates like jov and arthur too. It was the explosion age where ouch! we all became sort of allergic to girls, can hardly talk to them, let alone play hide and seek anymore.

Secondary 2 was the time where there was the "syndicate" as printed on the 204 t-shirt which i still keep. We wrestled in class, sometimes friendly, sometimes fought with hostility. Throwing chairs, walls of jerichos, spears, punches. We would tekan those who stood in our way, and make fun of those who suck-up to teachers. In a way...yup, I was kinda like a bully. Attaining high placing in my cohort also proved a point that you don't have to be a goody gay boy to produce excellent results.

Secondary 3 was sjab time, even stopped being active in legion of mary to commit more to sjab. Improving my skills proficiency, training my fitness level, grooming my leadership capabilities, and building more unity among my squadmates. There were lots of politics, propaganda, alliance formation, breaking of friendships, but it all redounded to invaluable experience as a Josephian. My results were experiencing a "depreciation" then.

Secondary 4 was time as a senior member of the student community. The passion and service of love towards the mission. The imparting of knowledge, skills, and mentoring so that newer and better leaders can be developed from my juniors. It was the year I really felt the camaderie with different groups of friends. But it had to end in the O levels where I picked my books up and braced myself for the battle which was eventually won

(1st row, 3rd from right)

(1st row, 4th from left)


confirmation class (back row, 3rd from left)

It was perhaps the end of Sec4 that I got more involved in church youth activities even though confirmation was in Sec3. In the sec3 days, the sji peeps would just click together and other than the altar servers, I hardly knew anyone in church. It merely started with the email from aunty liz asking for facils for the confirmation camp...which led on to more activities and committments...suddenly being a part of the fuel council and so on. And Ive seen how FUEL has changed and grown for the past 3 years...pretty amazing...from the "once in a blue moon" gatherings for con3 05 ....to the weekly friday sessions for post-confirmants.

Life in nj...Ive blogged pretty much about it.

It was something that I had not expected it to be. Initially thought of a dull environment where everyone just muggs, and if I acted or behaved the way I did in sji, people would look at me as if I just broke out of asylum. Well, people did look at me that way..but it never did matter since we were the infamous njpda.

Outdoor activities club was a whole new experience, being totally different from sji-sjab. But there were many lessons to be learnt and fun times enjoyed too.

Overall, the njc life was....to put it in a single word...WONDERFUL

but the school still does suck though...

Adventure trail challenge (the race where we walked and talked)

Backwoods Man camp (where mervyn and i talked during silent night and cheated to set a fire)


Needless to say...the pda and our harem..the s23 girls I mean

graduation night with s23 (the night of rojak emotions)